i've been wanting to write this entry for quite awhile. i didn't quite know how. but i think i got it now. so here we go. a lot of people have been asking me these things... so how's coming back? are you use to it yet? how's re-entry? are you all settled in and readjusted yet?
the short answer to those potentially long and deep questions... no... but here's what i've learned. to tell you about how i feel, i'm going to borrow the ingenious lyrics of Switchfoot.
This is Home - Switchfoot I've got my memories They're always inside of me
But I can't go back Back to how it was
I believe now, I've come too far
No I can't go back
Back to how it was
Created for a place
I've never known
let's start from the beginning of the song. do i miss Guatemala? do i miss my CTI experience? do i miss people? the answer's YES to all of the above. i miss a lot of things. there were so many amazing people that i've met on the road in the states and canada, so many awesome teammates that i've shared lives with, and so many students and children of God that has turned to God. i will never forget some of these faces and the memroeis that we shared. I've got my memories, they're always inside of me.i really had a great time geting to know myself and getting to share lives with some of these really amazing people. and now. it's time that we all move on from there. because reality is we're all in different parts of the world now after the war we've fought together. we're called to do different things wherever we are. but i can't go back, back to how it was. yes, indeed we're all over the place and no longer fighting together physically. but we're all called to fight for the kingdom of God. we're all called to the same purpose. our lives, are still pointing to the same place... the cross. none of us really know what's going to happen next... aside from our "plans". but really, we have no idea how we'll translate all that we've learned. we have no idea how God's going to use us when we're back at home. created for a place i've never known
Belief over misery
I've seen the enemy
And I won't go back Back to how it was
And I got my heart set On what happens next
I got my eyes wide
It's not over yet
We are miracles
And we're not alone
the trip to Guatemala really wrapped up my one year experience with CTI. or perhaps it wrapped up my FOUR years of being a part of this organization. God taught me so much about grace and trust when i was in Guatemala. everyday we depended on the grace of God to carry on because we don't know what's going to happen next... or better yet we had no idea what WAS happening. it taught me so much about believing in my God and trusting that He knows better than i do. we were part of a war and God was with us. he taught us that he's in control, all we have to do is trust... belief over misery, i've seen the enemy. i'm convinced the most important part about learning these lessons or having all these life experience is to be able to translate them into the present. yes, it's true that i've learned so much in the past year (especially in the last month), but the experience and the lessons are in vain if i don't embrace and apply them into my life now. for those of you that don't know. i'm going back to school. i'll be going to Michener Institute of Applied Health Science to do a post-graduate program in Chiropody. i'm really excited about it. i have no idea what to expect or what's going to happen. but i've learend from Guatemala that God is in control. i'm just along for the ride. he's called me to be in this program and at this program for a reason. there's a reason for the season. i'm excited to see what God's going to teach me or how he's going to use me. i've got my eyes set on what happens next. i got my eyes wide it's not over yet. it sure isn't over yet. my CTI and my Guatemala experience is not over yet. it'll never be completely debriefed. because it's now a part of me. it's something that God has used to change and mold me... into who i am now...
This is home
Now I'm finally
Where I belong
Where I belong
Yeah, this is home
I've been searching
For a place of my own
Now I've found it
Maybe this is home
Yeah, this is home
one thing i've come to realized while i was in Guatemala was that that wasn't home. CTI isn't home. CTI is some construct that we've made up (not CTI bashing at all, just... bare with me here). it's not the real world. i've come to realized that my teammates are amazing... but we won't be together anymore after our short month together. the placed where we called "home" isn't home. our team that quickly turned into "family" isn't family. wait, just before you think this is going the direction you're thinking... it's not...
i love the ending to Chronicles of Narnia II: Prince Caspian. if you haven't noticed by now... that's where this song came from. and if you haven't watched it yet, i'm going to spoil it for you. sorry. at the end of the movie, Peter and Susan, the two older siblings, have decided that they're not going to return to Narnia (apparently one of them do go back in the book, but bare with me for now. most people are like "are you serious? why?"...
they've come to understand a bigger reality. they're the ones that have learned what Narnia is all about. Narnia is NOT home. Narnia is an "imaginary kingdom" behind the crusty wardrobe. it's not home. that's not where they belong. it's really not as insensitive as you're intepreting what i'm trying to say. because, i think they truly understand a greater reality. and this profound idea have definitely help me cope with re-entry and allow me to "move on" from the experience. Peter and Suana are not heartless. their experience in Narnia fighting for the kingdom will never leave them (i've never met them, and never will, but i'm sure they'll never forget it). fighting for Narnia behind the wardrobe became their lives. they learned from it. they lived it... and now.. it's in their hearts...
CTI's the same way to me. or it ought to be anyway. CTI... touring... and even Guatemala... none of those are "home". hear me out friends, i LOVED my experience. reality check... that wasn't home. home is where i am now. home is where God has called me right now. home is what God has in stored for me to do right now. this is home...
And now after all
My searching
After all my questions
I'm gonna call it home
I got a brand new mindset
I can finally see
The sunset
I'm gonna call it home i will never forget the people that i shared lives with, my amazing teammates, all the people i've met, all the kids that gave their lives to Christ, all my host families, CTI staff etc. i will never forget the experience that i had while serving with CTI in the past four years. reality is i can't forget them because they've helped shape who i am now...
home... is not a place, i believe. home is a state of mind. all these people, experiences, lessons, and memories will always be inside of me. i'm NOT going back to my experience with team 14:21. i'm NOT going back to my experience with team HK... team Mexico... team Guatemala... i'm NOT going back to Narnia. why? because my time in Narnia is up. it's time to step up the game and come back through the wardrobe. the greater reality that Peter and Susan have come to realize is that they need to take EVERYTHING they've experienced and apply it into their lives. because they know that what happened in Narnia... CANNOT stay in Narnia... it needs to be brought back through the wardrobe... back with them onto the train where they were...
my experience with CTI means nothing if i didn't learn from it. God doesn't need me, he wants me (as you can read in the previous entry). he doesn't need me to do anything for him, but he WANTS to involve me. i'm FULLY convinced that Aslan doesn't need incompetent and inexperienced human beings to help defend the great kingdom of Narnia. but he chose to. furthermore, i can't just live the experience and forget about it... then i might as well not have experienced what i experienced. it's not about staying in Narnia... or Guatemala... or Singapore... Mexico... Hong Kong... in the past... the glory days. because that's not home... home is where i am now...
home. a mindset. a brand new mindset indeed. this is how i feel right now. i'm at home. i haven't forgotten the warriors that i fought with. i haven't forgotten the enemy that i came face to face with. i haven't forgotten the hospitality of the people i stayed with. i haven't forgotten the wisdom of my spiritual mentors at CTI. i haven't forgotten those that were "won over" to "our side". i haven't forgotten anything God has taught me this year... and i never will...
home is not Narnia. home... is REMEMBERING what happened in Narnia... and TAKING all you've learned and re-living it in... wherever you are...
i'll never forget Narnia... but i'm not going back. because i'm not the same person anymore and i don't belong there. i've been called to step through the wardrobe... and defend a DIFFERENT kingdom...
so i finally decided to blog. as some of you might know i've just finished my one year commitment with CTI Music Ministries and have also just led a team recently to Guatemala to work with the Youth for Christ there. there are several reasons why i haven't blogged yet. first of all it's been crazy coming back home. a lot has happened at church in the past couple days. but it's been a nice way for me to ease my way back if you will. secondly, i guess i wanted to give myself some more time to absorb what i've learned before i tell people. but i've come to realized that i'm one of those people that process and debrief experiences verbally as well as on paper. so i've decided that this is a good time to let you all know what happened and somethings that i've learned...
i led a team of 10 of us down to Guatemala City, Guatemala, to serve their Youth for Christ. our role there is to support the YFC in their ministry to the young people in Guatemala. we played 30+ concerts in 20+ schools and the remaining were at churches and Christian events. that's basically what we did there as a team. in schools, we'd usually have a program for 45 minutes which includes music, testimonies and dramas. after that, the YFC volunteers would speak in front of students and then invite them to receive Christ as their personal saviour. just a reminder, the entire message or challenge that they give is in Spanish. Guatemala is a Spanish speaking country. just keep that in mind. also, Guatemala does NOT have 4 seasons. they only have two - the hot and dry, and the cool and wet. and we were there during their wet season...
so what exactly did you learn, Eliot? or should i put it this way, what have you come to REALIZE?
i love the game of futbol... or what North Americans would call soccer. my father's an incredible futbol player. he loves it and i would even go so far to say that he's crazy about it. back in HK, he use to wake up at 5:30 every sat morning to play futbol before he goes to work. and some night during the week he'd go play after work. now we're here in Canada and he's still the same. he use to play more than once a week but he can't physically afford to anymore. but he still loves the game and he's still good at it. he still watches almost every single Manchester United game there is. anyways, bottom line, my dad's a futbol-er...
that had tremendous influence on me. i love futbol. my dad was my coach growing up. he'd take me out every friday night to play under a bridge close to where we live. that's right... i was one of those kids who played futbol any and everywhere i go. i love the game. i really do. my dad was definitely a harsh coach though. he wanted me to be better. he took me out to play with him at a very young age. i still remember the faces on his friends faces. basically they're communicating to my dad and i... "are you serious?!"... here's some perspective for you. i don't think i started growing until i was 15. no strength, no height, no skill, no experience... yay... who wants him on their team?! apparently my dad does. till this day it blows my mind that my dad would go through the trouble to bring me out. i couldn't pass. i was nervous. i couldn't score. i couldn't do anything. i'm just a kid...
what does that have to do with my experience in Guatemala? let me reassure you it's got everything to do with Guatemala...
this is what i've come to realized in my trip. MY GOD DOES NOT NEED ME! it's true. he doesn't need me to worship him in order for him to be God. he doesn't need me to tell him that he's faithful and just and merciful and whatever else... because he IS regardless. he doesn't need us to love him because he IS love. he just plain... doesn't need us. but here's the kicker... he WANTS us... because he LOVES us! he could've lived on for all eternity without any of us. but that's not God. my God loves me... and he wants me... and he wants me to love the things that he loves...
it reminds me of my father... and the great game of futbol...
during our ministry in Guatemala, God's grace was evident everywhere. we've never been rained out of a concert even though we were there during their rain season and we played outdoor concerts all the time. our equipment was always working even when it got a little damp from traveling through the rain. we've never really gotten wet because every time we'd pull in somewhere indoor before it'd start pouring like no tomorrow. seriously, there are so many incidents and so many "little things" that reminded me of God's grace... and how much he's in control... and how much he doesn't need us...
my father didn't need me to score goals. nor did he need a perfect pass. HE DOESN'T NEED ME TO WIN GAMES. he wants me to be IN the game. he wants me to learn and eventually become independent even in the game of soccer. he wants me to learn and grow and succeed and translate all that i've learned with him and passing it on to others. he doesn't need me to do anything... but he WANTS me to do everything... because he loves the game of futbol... and he loves Eliot To... and he wants Eliot To to love what he loves because he knows just how amazing this game of futbol is...
i've come to realize this. MY GOD DOESN'T NEED ME TO WIN SOULS. bold statement. true statement, i'd say. "not by might, not by power, but by the Spirit of God". as North American Christians, i feel like we like to take control of this "conversion" or "salvation" of others. do we NOT realize that salvation HAPPENED on the cross? YOU didn't do it. I didn't do it. YOU didn't ask for it. Neither did I. do we not realized that ONLY the Spirit can change hearts? You ain't the holy spirit. Neither am I. so QUIT TRYING TO CONVERT PEOPLE! i mean it. bold statement for a church boy. TRUE STATEMENT, my friend. it's true though. God doesn't NEED us. in fact, we performed exorcism when we were in Guatemala and i'll tell you it's got NOTHING to do with us. we were just a part of the process. or put it this way... we play a concert and then the YFC volunteer would go up and speak. then TONS of kids would flock up to the front to receive Christ (quick cultural lesson. this is a great deal in Miyan culture. kids growing up in this culture are affected by tradition and are extremely self conscious. for them to raise their hand, stand up, and walk up to the front to receive Christ as their saviour is a BOLD statement). i have NO idea what was being said except that they like to laugh. everything's in spanish. but yet God still used our team to be a part of this process. or he chose to let us watch and observe just how amazing he is. it was NOT by our MIGHT, definitely NOT by our POWER... but by the Holy Spirit ALONE!
i'm convinced that my dad doesn't need me to win games... he just wants me to...
i'm convinced that my GOD doesn't need me to win souls neither... he just wants me to worship him with actions and all that i do...
i hope you understand what i'm getting at here. God doesn't need us but he chooses to use us because he loves us. he knows we'd be satisfied when we get to use the gifts he'd given us. God loves the "game" as much as we do. he loves music as much as we do... if no more... that's why he created it. he loves people MORE than we can imagine... what's why he created us...
Guatemala was training ground. it was not a destination. there were so much my heavenly father wanted me to learn about the game of life. and he taught me to realize that he doesn't need me to do anything. but he wants me to because he knows that's what's best for me...
my Father doesn't need me to win games... but i will play hard... because i know it'll bring a smile to his face.
recounting His grace, recognizing how much it's NOT about us... - smooth check in with the ticket agent - no oversize/overweight payment even though we had equipment oversize and overweight - never been rained out of a concert - never had power problems (we always end up having just enough power to play a concert even when it's tight) - plenty of opportunities to hang out and get to know the YFC family and travel around with them - visit to the Guatemala City congress meeting - no major sickness except one... but was dealt with and it's all good now - nice weather when we made our trip to Antigua-Guatemala - no more flooding in the YFC kitchen after one week - never been rained on majorly - watching hundreds of Guatemala youth come to Christ - watching God use me even through my imperfections and limitations - didn't have to pay extra luggage fee nor overweight baggage fee coming back
i've been meaning to write this entry for a little while
now. but the busyness of training and other things that are going on have
prevented me to do so. also, i guess i'm still trying to wrap my mind around
this. but this is definitely something that's been on my mind. i was inspired a
couple sundays ago by a totally new perspective on this subject. i don't really
think it's anything overly profound per se. so don't be expecting too much. but
to me, it's definitely something that's mind boggling and has give me more
things to think about... and more things to bring to the cross...
temptation. there are a lot of strings attached to this word aren't there?
whenever you hear a guy talking about temptation, you somehow expect him to
start pouring his heart to you about some addiction that he has. then, we
immediately draw this particular story from the bible and start talking about
how we can fight against lust and sexual immorality - Joseph seduced by
Potiphar's wife...
if you don't know the story, i encourage you to read it first (Genesis 39). in
short, Joseph, this "hot" guy was seduced by his master's wife. pause
here for a second. this is when things get really profound in my opinion. and
this is where the new perspective comes from. for Joseph and Potiphar's wife,
this is more than an affair. this is about fighting society's norm. this is
about fighting what the world says as "yes, go for it". there's more
to it than just an affair. there's more to it than sex...
i don't know how historically correct this is. i've been meaning to look it up
but i don't know where i can do so. but take this as a perspective if you will
and try and wrap your mind around this. i think this is a really cool idea.
like i said, a couple sundays ago, a pastor mentioned that "sleeping
around" was a norm for Egyptian women. similar to a lot of men who'd take
pride in sleeping with as many women as he can nowadays. it was a norm, and
almost encouraged, for Egyptian women to sleep around. the pastor mentioned
that it was pretty much a good thing for Egyptian men that their wives' are
sleeping around because it shows that they're "the real deal" and are
wanted, i guess. or that they've married some "hot stuff" or whatever word you want to use to fill
in the blank. messed up? sure? but it's not only the immorality that's messed
up. it's messed up that... there's more to this story than just fighting
against lust and sexual immorality...
we've had our practice concert couple days ago. it was our first concert as a
team. we've been practicing for a little over a week now learning a lot of
music and getting ready to travel to Guatemala. there are a total of three
teams this round and another three from last round. during our practice
concert, i was so tempted to sing along out loud. but i really didn't have the
voice to. also, i'm such a competitive person that when it comes to things like
this, i simply don't want to suck and i want to be the best. that's the
truth... i really wanted to sing... but i shouldn't... i really wanted to
compare and be the "best" team musically... but i shouldn't...
what Joseph was fighting against was more than having an affair with his
master's wife. he was fighting against society's norm. he was fighting what
people would consider "good" and "permissible" in his
culture. there was more to it than sex...
there's nothing wrong with wanting to sing along. there's nothing wrong with
wanting to be the best team musically. these are all "good" things
and are definitely "permissible" in our culture. but should i when i know it's going to compromise my voice such that i can't sing the next day? should i be wanting to be the best team musically such that it becomes an idol? it's not only what i want to this, but the consequences of my actions. this is when the perspective shifts from wanting to please ourselves to wanting to serve others and please others... or God Himself if you will...
there's a broader sense to this idea of temptation in my opinion. a lot of the
times our view of temptation is narrowed down to a few gender specific things
or issues. but i've come to realized that temptation is so much "bigger".
temptation is when we're flirting with the world. it's when we set our eyes on
someone or something else other than God himself...
it wasn't easy for Joseph. in fact fighting against the norm and hormones has "rewarded" him time in jail. it sure looks like it sucks doesn't it. i don't think so. people tend to stop reading the story there. but let me conclude with this:
"22 So the warden put Joseph in charge of all those held in the prison, and he was made responsible for all that was done there. 23
The warden paid no attention to anything under Joseph's care, because
the LORD was with Joseph and gave him success in whatever he did." - Genesis 39:22-23
people at CTI music ministries consider the time period we just went through "the calm before the storm" or the "eye of the storm". we've completed round 1 training and sent off the teams to Honduras, Taiwan and Trinidad approximately three weeks ago. so for three weeks, there's really not a whole lot "happening" (some will argue that they're constantly things happening at CTI). but for us, trainers, round 2 leaders, kitchen staff (known as team grub)... this is a period of rest before all chaos breaks lose when the round 2 team members come and the intense training continues with another 40 people running around trying to figure things out. the "eye of the storm". that sure sounds like all i have to say tonight eh?
i believe in season. i believe that we go through seasons in life. i believe God allows us to go through different seasons to be "seasoned" and mature and grow closer to him. we have a choice to make. to move away because it's too hard... or to push and shove until we reach him. the eye of the storm... that was my season... was... is the key word in that sentence... i think He's slowly bringing me to a new season...
i absolutely love mondays here in willmar. it's the one day of the week where i get to go to roseland and hang out with the William's family (a CTI staff's family with twin boys). ok fine, i'll admit it... not only do i look forward to hanging out with them... but i get to play soccer. just for the sake of it... roseland's about 20 minutes away from Willmar, where i live for now. and prinsburg, where we play soccer, is about 10 minutes away from roseland. make sense now? good... let's move on. as we were getting ready for round 2 today, it was really humid and gross out. it was just calling for a big thunderstorm. you just know it. i didn't want it to... of course not. it's my LAST chance to play ball before i start training and head off to Guatemala and then straight home. i really wanted to play. and of course, to make my blog complete... to make my LIFE complete... and to make this all dramatic and interesting... it POURED!! just what on earth? the ONE day of the week i get to play ball... it rains... WHY?!
i've recently been accepted to a program back home. that simply means i'll be going back to school in september. i'm not going to tell you what and where because... yeah... i'll let you know when it happens. anyways. for that particular program i'm required to complete health record checks because i'll be participating in the practicals in a clinic. i've VERY recently found out that i have to do several blood tests as well as TB testing. i hate it. seriously. i just hate dealing with school logistics. it hate it even more this time of the year because i feel like i'm tied down with all the CTI responsibilities. don't get me wrong, i absolutely LOVE my CTI experience. i just think it sucks because i won't have the time to deal with all this logistics. not only that... i'll have to pay a TON of money here in the states to complete all these tests. argh... why? why now? why can't i do this? why can't i do that? WHY?! i was on msn with my dad last night and i just told him that i've gotten connected with some people to make it happen. so it was all under control (although i didn't know when, but at least i know who to go to for help). then dad asked if there's anything he can do for me on their end. i said... "just pray"...
i'd called the school nurse last week because she left a message at my house to let me know that i need to complete all these tests before school starts in september. all of sudden, she called again today. it was really absurd because she called as if she'd never talked to me before. she called and answered all my questions. then i told her about how i've been connecting with people so i can do the testings as soon as i can. she then told me to just wait until i come home and she'd give me an extension on it. she told me to make sure i do it right away when i go home so i can get them the results as soon as possible. let me re-state this again. she called and talked to me as if she'd never heard from me before. it sounded like a completely different person. i was overwhelmed with joy. i felt really light... like i can walk again without all the doubts, confusion and frustration...
my beloved second host mom from the William's family called my cell phone and left a message... "just want to let you know that it's not raining here in roseland..."
faithfulness...
why? why do i have to do this now? why can't i do that? why can't i... why won't you... why won't we... why? why? why? i've gotten really familiar with the word "why" and all these phrases. how many times in life have i asked "why can't i be better at this"... "why can't i be with her?"... "why couldn't i have known about this program"... there are so many questions in my mind. i wish somebody can answer them. i still don't have any answers... and i honestly don't think i will any time soon (is it even necessary?). there are a lot of question marks pertaining my future... namely school, jobs, relationships and how i can get involve at my church again... there are just so many things to think about... in fact... i don't think i've slept well consistently in the past couple weeks. i don't think i've slept at any earlier than 2-3am in the past three days...
i've been learning to entrust my feelings and emotions to God. Ravi Zacharias once said in a sermon as well as his book that feelings and emotions basically cannot be prayed away, they need to be kicked and fought away. you can't just pray and BAM... all your feelings for this one person is gone... or all your doubts about school is gone... or all your worries regarding financial responsibilities are gone... i loved Ravi's analogy of feelings and emotions. an airline is not responsible for luggages that you've lost because you chose to leave it in the bathroom. but the airline is responsible for any damaged and misplaced luggages because we've entrusted that to them. simple reality, profound truth. i believe that God isn't responsible for the feelings and emotions... or even the things... that we haven't entrusted to him. that's part of the whole free will and true love thing that i'm not going to bring up and discuss here. but you get the idea. if i don't entrust them... how do i supposed that God can take care of them. it doesn't mean that i don't have to do anything about them... but...
the drive to roseland was gorgeous. not even a drop of rain. it's crazy...
now that i'm allowed to do all the testings when i go home... i don't have to worry about it for a little while...
that was probably the best night of soccer we've had in awhile...
i hope you all are following with me. these two events are NOT a coincidence by chance. it's part of the season i've been growing through and God totally just put the last piece of the puzzle in place for this season. this season of doubt will be closed by a season of rain... rain that restores my shattered dreams... refreshes my mind that's corrupted... moistens my hardened heart... cleanses my sinful body, soul and mind... rain that FLOODS my life with blessings and overwhelm me with his faithfulness...
i learned to see past the storm i'm in... look to the next town and realize that it can be gloriously sunny on the other side. i have a lot of questions... doubts... frustrations... still. but his faithfulness today alone have been enormous enough to bury me. again.. i'm learning to see past the storm i'm in...
some people call it the eye of the storm. the calmest part of the storm where everything around you make absolutely no sense. all it is is chaos around you... except for the spot that you stand it. you can choose to look to your left... right... in front of you... behind you... i'm pretty sure all of that will look the same... chaos... confusion... fear... the most interesting thing to me about the eye of the storm is this... this is where i can look PAST the storm by looking up... realizing that beyond all the storming around me and all the storm clouds above me... that the Sun never changes... the weather might... but the Sun doesn't. it'll ALWAYS shine... because that's who it is... it exists to shine... it's faithful to shining... that though alone... is enough to blow me away in this season of spending time in the eye of the storm...
trust me. i'm not a master. i'm learning... and am slowly getting out of this season only to learn MORE lessons in the next season. there're so many questions... so many doubts... so many "if"s...
spend some time in that storm of yours (sounds crazy i know). quit looking around. try looking up. the Sun never stops shining. you just have to see past all the storm clouds and KNOW that the Sun is shining. it'll never stop...
you just might get to play the best game of soccer of your life...
so tonight my host family took me out to a local restaurant for dinner. we went because it was supposedly good food (buffet!!!!) and more importantly, it was a fundraiser for a mission team going to Ukraine from a local church that we attend. it was awesome to eat many slices of pizza and other high-calorie-high-cholesterol food. but that's not my point of this blog. in fact, i thought it was pretty good food so i'm not going to complain about it (honestly, i never complain about food). on a serious note, it was awesome to see the team working so hard to serve customers and talking to some of them about why they're doing and what they're doing for this trip. and here's my favorite part. my host dad's dad (my host grandpa?) was with us for dinner. he said his goodbyes after meal, got up, and left. within five minutes, another friend of ours came to sit with us and quickly replaced grandpa. we couldn't leave. then more people came and took our spots so we could leave and didn't have to leave our friend eating by himself in such a joyous occasion. anyways, so we got up... walked like... 20 steps? stopped. host mom says "look, there's grandpa, he's still here". my host dad's busy talking to another family. my host grandpa's talking to a different couple. after five minutes or so... we walked outside the door... there's ANOTHER friend... and her husband... and... and.. and...
so what am i ranting about anyways? not much really. but it's ABSOLUTELY mind-boggling, in my opinion, this particular phenomenon that Chinese Christians are especially "gifted" at and Christians in general are PRONE to - loitering. i remember we use to have fellowship on Friday nights and it typically ends at 10pm. we then would play basketball or badminton or whatever... and finally get OUTSIDE the door by 12am. we usually don't get home until 1-2am on Friday nights. why? because we loiter. WHY ON EARTH DO CHRISTIANS LIKE TO LOITER?! i seriously don't understand it? i remember my churchies and i have OUT-LOITERED another fellowship group at THEIR CHURCH. now that's just ridiculous. so where am i going with this...
i haven't blogged in awhile. i wish i constantly have something profound to provide the world. sometimes, i just wish that someone would tell me they've been inspired by my entry. no, that's not the main reason why i blog (although i think it's a completely legitimate reason to blog, but that's not my entire reasoning behind blogging). sometimes, i just wish i have... sometimes... i just wish...
so why do christians like to loiter? or put it this way, rather than trying to generalize all christians or chinese christians, Eliot To, why do YOU like to loiter (because YOU DO!)?
i've read a couple blog entries this week and there's been a recurrent theme. the whole idea of brokeness and how helpless we are is something that i've been reminded of lately. the idea of transparency of our lives in the light of the cross. crazy stuff. i made a comment during our car ride back home from dinner. it felt like church. the whole restaurant felt like church. the people, the environment, even the food, made it feel like home. there's a genuine interest in the opportunity in Ukraine. there's a genuine interest in each other's lives. i wish you were there. i could see it. i could hear it. that was family... or church. "it sure felt more "church-y" to me than the sunday "church"". why? only because people actually cared. that was the case back home too. for a little while, people just couldn't leave "church"... even if it's late on a friday night. you hear discussions from grades, to the most recent trades in the NBA, to the newest Coach bag that someone just bought, to a theological discussion between the writings of Ravi Zacharias and A.W. Tozer... just to name a few topics. we had it all... not only did people have genuine interests... but they are genuinely INTERESTED... transparency... brokeness... accountability... agape... i've been there... and that was the part of "church" that kept me from leaving... even physically...
but here's the problem. we like to loiter because we don't want to go anywhere else. we don't want to take what we learned anywhere else. come on now, where i'm standing is familiar ground and i'm surrounded by ten other boys and girls that will protect me from robbers. it's comfortable isn't it? there's no urgency and leaving the place... which often results in a waste of time... granted that we have great conversations... but let's face it (and yes... i'm totally contradicting what i just said in the previous paragraph). sometimes we just don't WANT to go anywhere. sometimes... we just don't KNOW where to go? that's part of the problem... and that's what keeps us from moving "forward". we're so caught up in being "authentic and genuine" in our relationships with another... we just forget to spur each other on, rebuke in love, and encourage each other to move on. "guys, it's getting really late, let's get out of here..." a simple reminder... a cosmic kill-joy at the moment... but yet exactly what we needed to hear at 2am with some of us having to wake up in less than 8 hours for worship team practice... put that into real life situation. that's exactly how the church is isn't it? we've gotten so comfortable with sharing with one another our struggles with pride, with money, with lust, with sex, with this... and with that... we've gotten so comfortable of "dealing with the shame"... we've gotten so comfortable with each other... we've gotten so comfortable with who we are... and where we're at... and where the world's at... our greatest enemy, complacency, is standing right in our midst while we have our late night "conversations" in front of our church...
that brings me to my last point... and somewhat of a last minute "revelation" and a lesson for myself. i mentioned in the second paragraph of this entry that i always wish that i have something profound to say. i've been reading a book by Ravi Zacharias in the past couple days and it talks about how if you don't take anything IN... it's hard for anything to come OUT. DUH?! how simple is that? well if i wish to have something profound to say... then doesn't it mean that i need to invest in storing up knowledge and wisdom from credible sources? complacency. it's so easy to befriend this fool. i wish i have more... i want more... but i don't do anything about it... and then i'm fooled that i don't really need to do anything about it... i'm doing just fine...
i love loitering with a bunch of christians. i love it because they care. it's awesome that they care. i love it because we are genuinely interested in one another's lives. it's amazing that we're interested in one another's lives. but i think most of the time i loiter just because i don't know where to go. sometimes i'm just reluctant to go. sometimes i don't want to ride back alone and so i stall and talk for longer. sometimes i just don't want to go home. sometimes... i'm just happy where i'm at and don't really want to be anywhere else...
sometimes... i just... need to get outta there...
wherever "there" is...
and quit wishing...
quit loitering...
*honk*
"it's getting late guys... please leave right now before i lock up the gate"
